This fine gentleman has all the answers, he is one of our nations' great warriors (Army since he was 18! ) and is the perfect antidote to the arrogant, ignorant, pathetic, Communist loving, Saul Alinsky teaching, capitalism-destroying Community Agitator who is currently disgracing the Oval Office at the moment.
Ladies and Gentleman, I give you Mr. Keith Johnson, and his awesome platform:
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Keith Johnson Candidate for President 2020
Today at 10:29am
Ladies and Gentleman,
I am pleased to announce my candidacy for the 2020 presidential election. Below is an outline of my agenda.
- Affirmative Action will be eliminated. AA was originally started as an attempt to advertise job postings in inner cities and to minorities. It was never intended to be a credential. The color of your skin is simply that - just a color. Equal opportunity stays, affirmative action is gone.
- United Negro College Fund will be eliminated. Join the armed forces like every white guy that can't pay for college.
- Any college or university that funds groups solely based on race, gender, political affiliation, or sexual preference will have all funding pulled. To fund our differences is to promote our differences.
- Military service requirement is mandatory for a minimum of three years. If you are unfit for military duty by reasons of insanity or mental incapacity, you will be institutionalized accordingly. If you are unfit physically, we'll fix that.
- Prison riots will no longer be stopped. In fact, they'll be encouraged. Oh, and I am moving all the guards to just outside the walls. See you at the fence at the end of your sentance and good luck.
- Persons who knowingly posses a sexually transmitted disease that have unprotected sex with another individual without acknolweding herpeghonasyphillaids will be charged with assault and battery, and in the case of AIDS, will be charged with attempted murder.
- Gang memebrs will be issued weapons and receive marksmanship training to better enable them to kill themselves, and I will give them the entire state of Vermont, which continues to serve no purpose.
- You do indeed have the freedom of speech and I will protect that, however, I will also put you on an airplane and send you to sovereign US soil in some God forsaken shit hole and let you speak there. Good luck.
- If you're old enough to die for your country you cannot consume alcohol unless you are actually WILLING to die for your country. For those posessing a DODAC or (CAC) your drinking age is 17. For those who do not know what that is, you're drinking age is 21 still.
- You cannot begin to test for your license until you are 18.
- You can retest for your license when you are 65, and every year thereafter.
- Military, Police, Fire and EMT's will no longer pay taxes, however, you will all still be required to pass a minimum physical fitness annually. If you fail, you're fired and you owe back taxes.
- The Mexican border will be mined and covered by indirect fire. Good luck.
- Ted Kennedy's body will be exhumed and placed on trial for murder. Vicki Kennedy will serve the sentance.
- Frivelous lawsuits will carry the automatic loss reciprocation penalty meaning if you sue McDonalds for hot coffee and lose, you are liable for the amount of damages you were seeking.
- Condoms will be available in dispensers in every high school for free, and the good shit, too. I am talking ribbed, studded, lamb skin, flavored, glow in the dark, etc. Everything. Morning after pills and birth control will also be available. There, I just saved $400 million in arguing fees and unwanted pregnancies. Conversation over...oh, and abortion stays legal but you get one and that's it. Go in for a second and your uterus and a tits get removed.
- Teachers must take every test they give and receive 100%. If they fail to do this, they're fired.
- The new speed limit is infinity. And it is allowed in the left lane only. If you cannot drive infinity, move over.
- Unemployment benefits will be cut from 79 weeks to 8 weeks. Go find a job, they're out there.
- Medical care is no longer free, it is going back to the way it was. Go get a better job. We have the best doctors in the world for a reason. Once that incetive is gone, well......
- All crime is hate crime. Nobody ever committed a crime by saying, "Jeez, you seem like such a lovely person. If it isn't too much of a bother, may I steal your car, wallet, etc?"
- Texas laws! You have the inherint right to self defense. Any person entering your property can be shot and killed if you follow the following rules of engagement; Step 1, shout in a loud manner "Get off my fucking property," Step 2, begin shooting.
- No government money, state or federal, will be given to any institution promoting religion of any sort. You think your God is that cool, you better pray for fucking electricity then. See how he does.
- If you purchase waterfront property, and you get water damage, no insurance money.
- The court system will change. If you are the family member of a victim, you will do the sentancing as you see fit. The judge will determine whether or not the defendant is guilty.
- You can test for a legal impairment level. A .08 feels very different to me at 210 pounds than it does to a high school cheerleader. Of course if this were my high school, most of those cheerleaders were pushing 210, too.
- Welfare and public money (unemployment etc) comes with public service. Your ass will show up a few hours a day and pick up trash on the side of the highway or clean bed pans at a hospital. Wash a police car or a fire truck, earn your keep.
- I will propose a new nuclear weapon disposal system. It starts in Afghanistan. This "civilization" has made no progress in 2000 years. What's the point?
- I am undoing all of our apolgies over the last 5 months. This means you France.
- Any "ally" of ours selling weapons to our enemies will be dealt with as an enemy of ours. This means you France.
- The elctoral college is gone. Pure votes only.
- Congress gets the same time off as our military, 2.5 days a month. That's it. And no more private transportation, get on a fucking Blue Bird bus.
- Everybody who is an American Citizen will continue to have the right to vote, however, you must pass the American Citizenship test. Thinking back to the sound bite from the last election, "This is great. I helped him out now he's going to help me out. I won't have to pay for my house, my car, my gas." Obviously this person, is indeed, toooooo stupid to vote. Yes, these people do exist.
- People who burn the flag in protest, are subject to having their house burned in protest. I mean after all, it's just a symbol of where you live, right?
- Love this country and all its' faults for better or worse, or get out. Remove your hat during the anthem. Thank your soldiers, airmen, marines and sailors. Thank their families and friends. Observe Memorial day, 4th of July, and Veteran's day with more than a cook out. These are the things that make you American. Because when I am elected, for every Mexican that sneaks in, I sneak one of you disrecpectful fucks out in my new exchange program. Thank you and I appreciate your vote.
- Military, Police, Fire and EMT's will no longer pay taxes, however, you will all still be required to pass a minimum physical fitness annually. If you fail, you're fired and you owe back taxes.
ReplyDeleteWith the possible exception of the military, NO WAY. They make good money and great benefits, especially in states like California.
Otherwise, great list!